In 2015, I wrote a letter to my spouse asking them to move out.

At 30, I was back to dating — looking for my other half, my soul mate, the ying to my yang, the biscuit to my tea — my lobster.

Finding a new partner wasn’t something I was particularly keen on doing.

I’d never swiped right before, never been speed dating, never went to bars and never got set up by friends.

I met my husband by chance and had watched from the sidelines for years as my friends vanquished the dating world.

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If I’m brutally honest, I’d also never been great at knowing a ‘good one’ from one who’d take out multiple credit cards in my name (true story) or pretend to be infertile to avoid condoms (also a true story).

I was terrified of making a mistake and choosing a person who could damage my (and my children’s) happiness.

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Initially, I dated a little but mainly for fun; just getting to know people and gaining confidence. I was open to meeting someone but wasn’t looking for the long term.

After two years of being single, I felt ready to focus on finding someone for the longer term.

I appreciate that many are happy to let life take its course, but I felt that a relationship was something I wanted.

In the beginning, I researched like crazy. I watched Ted Talks. I listened to podcasts. I asked friends and family in stable relationships.

How do you know when you’ve found the one?

I heard a lot of wonderful tales — Romantic gestures, elaborate proposals, forbidden romance ending in a treasured partnership.

I heard a lot of adjectives — caring, honest, dependable, faithful, romantic, funny, stable, interesting, interested.

This was all great, but how would I be able to find out if someone I was dating had the potential to be The One?

That’s when my research led me to some relationship experts. Scientists and data analysts who worked on understanding successful relationships, the science of love and lust, what controlled human attraction and more.

From that point on, I did these three things:

1. Identify & then Look out for Red Flags

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True, that’s two things in one!

Here’s what you do.

Firstly, make a list of ‘red flags.’

It’s best to do this before you meet anyone as you’re completely objective and won’t make allowances.

It may help to think back over past relationships that were unsuccessful and the things that hurt you the most in them. Gruesome I know, but learning from your past in a constructive way is valuable.

You’re looking out for real deal breakers here — not annoyances specific to another person.

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Something that could end the sentence:

‘I could never find long term happiness with someone who….’

Here’s my list:

• Not interested in family life
• Dislikes Travel
• Dislikes Pets
• Smoker / drug user

Obviously, these are personal to me and yours may be completely different depending on your own life choices.

When I began dating I already had two children & a dog (one child with severe asthma who can’t be around smoke of any kind). I’d also rediscovered my passion for travel and didn’t want to give that up again — my ex had a fear of both planes and boats and we hadn’t left the UK for years.

My advice would be that you involve someone that you trust to review your list once you’re done and get your list down to real ‘no compromise’ items.

2. Ask Tough Questions Early

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Something that I learned whilst doing my research was that we fall in love very, very quickly.

From the moment we meet a potential partner, we have very limited time to make rational choices before our heart (actually chemicals like vasopressin, adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin) takes over.

Data suggests that women have around a month before they feel ‘love.’

Once this addictive feeling takes over, it becomes very difficult to make honest decisions about future relationships and it’s for this reason that you need to ask tough questions early on.

Again, it may help you to know what these would be in advance.

Questions around children, marriage, where you want to live, religion and lifestyle may factor in, but these really are completely unique to you.

As you may have realised, this also means asking tough questions of yourself early. You truly have to be open to self awareness and understanding what it is that you’re hoping to build with a long term partner.

3. Get a Second Opinion

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Meeting the friends and family is something that happens later right?

That’s a big step?

When they ask you to meet their Mom it’s serious right?

Nope. I abandoned this approach super quickly because I realised that I would never make another decision so monumentous without asking my bestie or my Mom what they thought.

I can’t claim that this was my idea. It was ‘the one tip’ that my favourite behaviourist Alexandra Redcay gave as their key advice and do you know what, it makes complete sense.

Awkward.

How do you do this if the person you’re dating is likely to interpret it as a sign that you’re over keen or overly dependent on the opinions of others?

If necessary — you stage it.

Next time you’re meeting your date for coffee, tell your bestie where and have them be ‘passing by’ purely by chance.

Accidentally end up sat next to your sister and her partner at a local restaurant.

Oh look! That’s my brother. I had no idea he was going to be here.

A few minutes of conversation can be enough for a purely objective person to make a call.

But even better — be honest.

Tell your date the truth and ask them if a beer with your brother could really be that bad?

Results — Did this Work for Me?

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It sure did.

BUT — it wasn’t easy.

A few dates that I really liked and found really attractive hit my red flags straight away. It was so hard walking away from that potential and not compromising. I was super honest with them, which was also really tough, but we remained on good terms afterwards. I know that in the long term, they wouldn’t have been right for me nor I for them.

Then, I met my now partner.

No red flags.

Tough questions answered.

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I let my sister answer the door when he called to collect me for our third date.

Win. Win. Win.

We’ve been together 3.5 years now — including 2020 lockdown — and so far so good!

If I’m honest, he’s not like anyone I’ve ever ‘gone for’ in the past. It’s clear to me now that I’d always focused on the wrong things; taste in music and hobbies for example, when I should have been concentrating on the important stuff.

Good luck in your search for love!