But I’ve heard women on TikTok going viral for saying this advice is toxic, that it doesn’t make them feel good and it m

Something I always say to myself when I’m dealing with a wishy-washy dating situation is, I was fine before this person came into my life. And I’ll be just fine after they’re gone.

I date this made-up vision of them I have in my head — a personality that doesn’t exist and that they haven’t earned. It’s something author Elizabeth Gilbert, among others, has written about before.

I made every excuse for him, but after he ghosted me on our date for New Year’s Eve, I finally said enough is enough. If he wanted to, he would. And he kept showing me over and over again that he did not want to.

It’s not ideal, but it does sometimes feel like I’m the only one putting any effort into our relationship — especially when, if I don’t text him, we don’t talk at all. Or if I don’t ask him when he wants to hang out, we don’t see each other — because he’ll never ask me.

He can’t come to my place because, well, I don’t have a place. The pandemic has me living with my parents — not exactly sexy. And, the pandemic also means we can’t meet at a halfway point for dates in bars and restaurants because, well, we don’t want to get COVID. So if we want to see each other, our only option is for me to go to him.

I once dated a guy who was terrible at balancing his priorities in his personal life. He often chose to spend his weekends with the boys instead of with me (which he did almost every weekend), and he would give me the bare minimum just enough to keep me around, but wouldn’t commit.

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ican American Speech (AAV) and US Southern dialects, I see all sorts of people who believe it is their duty to enforce the “correct” or “most educated” ways to talk. When I say “correct,” I am talking about the use of the specific grammar and syntax rules most often taught in schools and enforced by higher institutions. AAV and Southern dialects are heavily stigmatized in the US as “incorrect.” People associate these speech patterns with a lack of education, no matter the actual education level of the speaker. US white supremacist society also stigmatizes heavy accents and “broken” speech patterns from second-language learners. In my experience shadowing Speech Pathologists, I have seen English language learners come in for accent reduction work — not because their speech is unintelligible, but because US white supremacist society associates certain accents with incompetence. Language is an important aspect of culture and identity. White supremacist society seeks to strip away cultural identity by considering some people’s language (and the people themselves) as incompetent, inferior, and non-standard.

I have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to feel bad about myself. If he chooses not to invest his time in me, there’s probably something going on on his end preventing that.

Don’t look at it from the perspective of, “He doesn’t want me because there’s something wrong with me.” Think of it as, “He doesn’t want me because of what’s going on with him.”

One time I dated a guy who really liked me, but he did not have the time, space, or energy in his life to have a serious relationship. His job ruled his existence, and he was going to grad school — two very demanding things. As much as he liked me, he didn’t have the time or energy to meet my demands, too. And I can’t blame him — some people choose their careers first, and that’s okay.

It doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy or aren’t good enough for them. It just means they have other things going on. “If he wanted to, he would” empowered me, because it’s a reminder that some guy’s opinion of me, or whether or not some guy likes me, has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.

These all sound like good excuses — and they are if they’re legitimate. But when it comes down to it, if he wanted to do any of those things, regardless of what’s going on in his life, he’d make the time to do them at some point.

He didn’t text me back for a week because he was busy with work, then just forgot. He hasn’t called me in a month because he’s tied up with a family issue. He hasn’t taken me on a real date in weeks, but that’s okay because I’m fine just chilling on the couch watching TV.

My best friend said that phrase to me recently on the phone. We were talking about a guy I’ve been dating for a few months. He lives far-ish, and I was explaining how I always have to drive two hours round trip every time I want to see him.

“If he wanted to, he would” reminds us not to chase after someone who isn’t interested in building something with us. It reminds us to leave behind those who aren’t reflecting our own efforts back to us.