Tantric sex for beginners: expert tips to get started
How the ancient wisdom of tantra can transform your sex life.
Is your sex life flagging? If you need a leg up in the bedroom, you're looking for new ways to experiment sexually or seeking deeper meaningful connection with your significant other, tantric sex might be just the ticket.
But if you are looking for kinky sex tips to get your rocks off in record time, it's worth knowing that tantra, also known as sexual yoga, is a holistic practice. So while tantric sex is sensual in practice, it's more about enjoying the journey instead of focusing on the destination.
The art of tantra has spiritual origins dating back to 300 CE, when the first tantric philosophy was recorded in both Hindu and Buddhist texts. Since then, it has diversified and evolved, but the premise at its core lives on: tantra involves the balance and interweaving of energy, with the origin of the word itself (derived from the sanskrit words ‘tanoti’ and ‘trayati’) meaning ‘to weave or expand’ and ‘liberation’.
We spoke to clinical psychologist and sex therapy expert at Between Us Premature Ejaculation Clinic Daniel Sher, and sex and intimacy coach Camilla Constance, about what tantric sex is and how you can reap the benefits by incorporating tantra principles into your sex life:
What is tantra?
The musician Sting brought tantric sex into mainstream awareness when he revealed details of his seven-hour sex sessions with his wife Trudie Styler. But while it may sound a bit rock and roll, as the famous pair discovered, there is much more to tantra than sex.
‘Tantra is a spiritual practice, which involves balancing mind, body and soul,’ says Sher. ‘While people often believe that tantra relates only to sexual practices, this is not the case. Tantra draws on a variety of practices, including breath work, meditation, yoga, visualisation, chanting and ritual, in order to foster greater groundedness and connection.’
What is tantric sex?
Tantra helps to deepen feelings of connection between people, which goes some way to explaining its reputation as a sexual practice. When it comes to sex, tantric practice adds a significant spiritual element, creating a more meaningful connection between lovers which in turn can make the sexual act more powerful. ‘If there is such a thing as “sexual enlightenment”, tantra is a great way of growing in this direction,' says Sher.
❤️ Sensory exploration
When applied to the bedroom, tantric sex becomes a wholly immersive sensory experience. ‘Tantric sex is ultimately about energy experienced as sensation in our bodies,’ explains sex and intimacy coach Camilla Constance. ‘It’s about connecting with and then growing and moving this energy around, between and beyond your physical bodies. To connect with the energy in your body, you need to be deeply present with your body.'
❤️ Being present
By being entirely present in the moment and savouring all of the senses, tantra can have a powerful impact on sexual exploration. 'You cannot disconnect and go up into your head, as is so common in Western sex,' explains Constance. 'Tantra is essentially an embodied approach to sex; it teaches us to be present in our bodies, by using all our senses to connect with everything that we are hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting and touching.'
❤️ Energy flow
The theory is that recognising and then harnessing the power of the senses can then heighten the entire experience, from physical and emotional connection to longevity. ‘Once you are able to feel your energy, tantra teaches the art of growing and moving that energy around your body. As we raise the energetic vibration of our bodies, life begins to feel fuller, richer and more pleasurable, as we move from a place of stagnation to ease and flow.’
Delayed orgasms explained
With its roots embedded in mindfulness, by switching the focus from the end result (the orgasm) to the journey and the transformation of energy, practising tantra could transform your experience of sexual connection.
‘The Western model of sex, with its focus on climax, conditions us into tensing our bodies and pushing energy out of us, for example, the male ejaculation,’ explains Constance. ‘Tantra teaches the opposite; that as we drop deeper and deeper into relaxation, we are able to move the energy up through our entire bodies, to experience multiple, full-bodied orgasms that can last for hours or even days.
Tantra teaches us to experience multiple, full-bodied orgasms that can last for hours or even days.
'The kinds of orgasms that men think they can’t enjoy, that their ejaculation prevents them from experiencing, are very much available to anyone who learns tantric practices.’
Multiple, full-bodied orgasms sound like fun! But as Constance explains, this is not the goal of tantric sex. ‘While tantra teaches techniques to grow orgasm in the body, orgasm is not the point of tantric sex,’ she says. ‘Tantra is about connecting to pleasure and sensation in yourself and within others. It teaches the importance of mutual pleasure, of moving together in harmony and respecting the varying levels of energy in each person.’
Tantric sex benefits
Slower, mindful sex with a focus on connection and energy balance comes with a number of mind and body benefits, not least for your relationship. ‘There are so many benefits!’ says Constance. ‘Let’s start with the fact that we all know our bodies benefit from regular sex. Our bodies need sexual energy moving through them, for optimum health and vitality.’
The physical benefits of regular sexual connection include the following, says Constance:
Lower blood pressure
Improved heart health
Reduced risk of cancer
Improved cognition
Beyond the physical benefits of tantric practice, the real beauty of tantra is being able to relax into an acceptance of ourselves and our partner, as well as developing a deeper understanding of pleasure that’s removed from the achievement of any goal.
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When you choose to re-learn everything you thought you knew about sex, every single part of your human-ness is nourished.
‘Tantra teaches us to inhabit our body in a way that’s more loving and accepting than we have grown used to with Western sex,’ she says. ‘We are not required to conform to a stereotyped version of what “sexy” is to enjoy mind-blowing sex! Instead, we are invited to throw away the notions of performance, expectations and goals, and to just relax into our bodies and the pleasure we feel there.
‘Tantra is a really easy going, relaxed, inclusive model of sex. When you choose to re-learn everything you thought you knew about sex and embrace the ancient wisdom of tantra, every single part of your human-ness is nourished.’
5 tantric sex tips for beginners
Try the following 5 principles to help you to begin, and then gradually deepen, your tantric practice:
1. Slow down
Slowing down is an important principle of tantra. ‘The place to start when moving from a fast and furious, goal-oriented model of sex to a tantric approach is to slow down,' says Constance. 'You need to change habits that are the sexual equivalent of piercing a plastic film and popping a ready meal in the microwave!'
Slowing the pace can enable you to be more mindful and present, which in turn allows you to explore all of the senses. ‘When you slow things down, you have time to feel – initially to feel sensation in your own body and then, with practise, you will soon feel sensation in your partner’s body,' adds Constance.
2. Body meditation
Body meditation is a simple practice that can help you to develop deeper connection, both with yourself and your partner. Constance recommends the following tips to get started:
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Lying on your back, drop into relaxation – focusing on your breath can help.
From this relaxed place, scan your body from head to toe, feeling for any sensation.
As you feel a sensation, describe where you feel it and what it feels like.
The more you scan your body for sensation, the more you will grow your sensitivity.
Once you've mastered body meditation, you can then make it part of your sexual practice, either alone or with a partner. 'It is really beautiful and powerfully connecting to share what and where you feel sensation in your body with your partner at any time, but particularly during any kind of sex,' says Constance. 'This is how we learn about our own and, importantly, each other’s pleasure.’
3. Eye gazing
The simple practice of eye gazing is a beautiful way to build connection with your partner. But it doesn't come naturally to everyone, so take your time.
‘Without practise, eye gazing feels very uncomfortable, because it makes us feel vulnerable and we want to look away,’ says Constance. ‘However, when we learn to stay present despite our vulnerability, we are communicating “I trust you”, “I feel safe with you”, “You are safe with me” and even “I love you”.’
Constance recommends keeping it short to start with, and then building up your practice. ‘It’s best to set a timer, so you don’t give up too soon,’ she recommends. ‘Start with a fairly short time, say three minutes, and then build up to as long as you like – 15 minutes of eye gazing is a very different experience to three minutes of eye gazing.’
Eye gazing practice can deepen your connection on every level and shouldn’t be limited to sex, says Constance. ‘Make time to connect using eye gazing every day,’ she says. ‘Make it part of your sexual experience, but don’t limit it to sex. Eye gazing makes everyone feel safe and loved, and lowers your stress levels, so connect with your partner’s eyes as often and as much as you can and, once you “lock in”, stay there a while.’
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