As with any addictive cycle, eventually more is needed in order to maintain the “highs”. In the case of idealization, it

When it’s love, there is a gradual lessening of the intensity and passion of “idealization” which is replaced with recognizing and embracing a mature love — where communication, transparency and imperfection shape the relationship as uniquely yours, and something valuable and worthy of growing.

Another example is where a parent conditions a child to feel unworthy at all costs by constantly devaluing them. They may praise siblings or the child’s classmates while shaming their own child as inadequate, or by making unfair comparisons between their child and other kids. Or, a child may be expected to praise their parents or siblings while remaining under their thumb and subservient to them.

Toss Out Expectations. No one is perfect. What keeps idealization alive are illusions of perfection, often because imperfections trigger fear, pain or shame. Begin by aligning your ‘perfect’ partner as how your partner is instead of how you “idealize” them.

Immature love idealizes; there’s this constant need or a push-pull happening where it has to be full-throttle excitement and nonstop adrenaline, or it’s somehow “wrong” or “damaged” and needs to be replaced.

This dynamic is also common in the “Golden Child” syndrome where parents may view their child as perfect or special and only worthy of love when seen as “perfect”. Children may become overachievers, riddled with shame for any human flaw, and out of touch with who they are as an individual outside of what their parents expect them to be.

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ask me if I’ve ever had a dog before, I answer yes, some kind of German Shepherd mix, her name was Mickey, after the Disney character yes. I say that she passed away not long after I got her and nod when they offer me sympathies and commiserate over their own losses. I don’t tell them the truth: that we abused her trust, that I let them abandon her when she has never once abandoned me, that she saved me but I could not save her.

Children raised in these situations can grow up feeling invalidated, unheard, and may become rebellious teenagers, or adults who view relationships in terms of “all good” or “all bad” — idealizing and devaluing — without the ability to tolerate relationship issues.

Recognize Infatuation vs. Idealization. Most, if not all new relationships begin with passion and infatuation in the early stages. However, when it’s built on idealized values and expectations of perfection, idealization has to stay in play to maintain the illusion of love.

However, for anyone who has been placed high up on that pedestal, you know the higher you are, the harder you fall. When the inevitable crash hits, the realization that it isn’t love also hits home.

See your partner’s imperfections, quirks and things that make them uniquely them. This means shedding the rose-colored lenses for a pair of magnifying glasses. You’re going to want to become aware of your partner (and yourself) as imperfect, yet still worthy of love.

For example, some kids may be reared by parents who hold unrealistic expectations of achievement for their kids, where a kid needs to be the best — or they’re seen as the worst. In this situation, parents are using the kid as a reflection of themselves where the child’s accomplishments make the parents look good. Idealization is based on “adoring” a child’s successes and shaming the child’s humanness.

I’m not going to lie. There’s no simple way to figure out how to love. Learning to love after unlearning idealization is like learning to swim in the deep end of the pool. It can be frightening. And trust is necessary that you aren’t going to sink. Everything many of us were told to avoid at all costs because they’re associated with things like vulnerability, emotional availability and honest communication, are what are necessary for authentic love.

What is being taught in these environments are conditions of worth, idealization and devaluation — that a person’s value is based on being “all good”, or “all bad” contingent on how many accomplishments and achievements they receive, or by how often they adore or praise others, while often being devalued themselves.

Idealization has also been coined as a psychological phenomenon and a defense mechanism. The kicker is that when it’s used as a defense mechanism (on an unconscious level), your partner’s strengths are exaggerated while their imperfections are ignored which acts as protective to any ambivalence or confusion you may have toward your partner. In other words, if you’re unsure about your partner’s feelings toward you or are unsure of yours toward them — boom, idealization can happen.

In psychoanalytic theory, idealization can occur when seeing your partner as “imperfect” would trigger your own shame as being “imperfect”, which can then trigger feelings of self-loathing.