Because, at the end of the day — especially given the current state of the world — “the most important thing for most in

This dynamic is also common in the “Golden Child” syndrome where parents may view their child as perfect or special and only worthy of love when seen as “perfect”. Children may become overachievers, riddled with shame for any human flaw, and out of touch with who they are as an individual outside of what their parents expect them to be.

For many, idealization is the defining factor in their relationships. Here is where some may get so wrapped up in seeing their partner as “perfect” that their own sense of self-worth and self-esteem become enmeshed with how “perfect” their partner is. When their partner is seen as all-good, their own esteem and worth are in check. And, when the pedestal starts rocking, so can their sense of self-worth.

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tionship, a generous-spirited partner will keep prioritising you. They’ll save time, and their best energy for you — rather than give you what’s left over after work, their hobbies, hanging out with friends and scrolling their phone.

For example, some kids may be reared by parents who hold unrealistic expectations of achievement for their kids, where a kid needs to be the best — or they’re seen as the worst. In this situation, parents are using the kid as a reflection of themselves where the child’s accomplishments make the parents look good. Idealization is based on “adoring” a child’s successes and shaming the child’s humanness.

However, for anyone who has been placed high up on that pedestal, you know the higher you are, the harder you fall. When the inevitable crash hits, the realization that it isn’t love also hits home.

Idealization has also been coined as a psychological phenomenon and a defense mechanism. The kicker is that when it’s used as a defense mechanism (on an unconscious level), your partner’s strengths are exaggerated while their imperfections are ignored which acts as protective to any ambivalence or confusion you may have toward your partner. In other words, if you’re unsure about your partner’s feelings toward you or are unsure of yours toward them — boom, idealization can happen.

Dopamine is also responsible for other addictions — everything from video gaming addictions to drug/alcohol dependency to retail shopping addictions. So, it’s little wonder that in the early stages of infatuation within a new relationship that idealization can kick into high gear for some.

In psychoanalytic theory, idealization can occur when seeing your partner as “imperfect” would trigger your own shame as being “imperfect”, which can then trigger feelings of self-loathing.

You would think that idealization is a normal part of falling in love. I mean, when we begin a new relationship we usually see our partner in the perfect light, and ideally we want them to see us as mirrored reflections of each other.

Idealization has been defined as both a biochemical reaction and a psychological phenomenon. As a biochemical reaction, it mirrors the early stages of love, or infatuation, where dopamine rules the brain. Because dopamine is associated with a feel-good rush of chemicals firing in our brains, we’re naturally more receptive to the idea of love, and the bells and whistles it represents.

Idealization is often seen as a byproduct of fairy-tales and soulmates where kids may grow up being spoon-fed empty promises that if they kiss enough frogs their Prince or Princess Charming will arrive. Or, maybe they’re just a hopeful romantic that there is someone out there for all of us who doesn’t don agendas or opportunistic vibes.

Most of us have experienced the signs of infatuation — nervous anticipation and excitement around your partner, heart-rate increase, flushing, euphoric highs or intense feelings of happiness, lessened appetite, even feelings of having to see them or having to be around them which can parallel dependency.

However, what isn’t being told in those fairy-tale endings and romanticized soulmate wishes are that rose-colored lenses are not only unhealthy, they’re part of a cycle with an inevitable crash and burn off the pedestal.

Idealization is not a new concept — even Freud discussed how it is formed as both a seemingly normal part of Ego development through primary narcissism in infancy and how it can become pathological.

As with any addictive cycle, eventually more is needed in order to maintain the “highs”. In the case of idealization, it may include more frequent compliments, more adoration, more of the “hero” mentality, more of a need to save or fix their partner, and more intensity of emotion surrounding the pedestal to maintain its effects.