But the truth is, there’s no real connection without vulnerability, and there’s no vulnerability without taking risks. Y

This is exactly how I feel about my partner. I don’t feel stuck, trapped, or dependent — in fact, I’ve never had more energy to do my own thing and chase my dreams (like making a full-time income writing online) because I know that, if things ever go wrong, I can always count on him.

We live in a culture that makes fun of basic needs like closeness, intimacy, connection, and especially dependency. We scoff at the idea of depending on someone else while idolizing those who are free, jumping from one love affair to another, and keeping their independence intact.

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e start to have a glimpse of a solution. A championship team wants to win, and every teammate is willing to make sacrifices to achieve that. They have each other’s back, and focus relentlessly on the long term goal, avoiding distractions.

The only reason I was able to find a secure relationship was because I gradually healed (well, I am still healing) my emotional wounds and changed my attachment style to secure.

Now I can see that once you face your suffering and let go of your limiting beliefs, that’s when you’re really free, and that’s when you’re able to find healthy, meaningful relationships.

To me, there were only two options: either you were in a relationship and you were trapped, or you were single and you were free. There was no in-between. Sure, there were exceptions, but these were the rules.

Fast forward to 4 years later and here I am, in a 3-year relationship with someone I feel so much love for, who loves every single part of me and who contributes to my personal growth in every possible way. I couldn’t be more grateful for our connection and for having him by my side.

The reason why we’re all so afraid of being vulnerable is because it’s risky. Yes, it can lead to heartbreak. It can put you in a position where you might be rejected, and it can certainly feel uncomfortable.

I accepted the fact that my negative view of relationships was just the result of my previous relationship experiences, and I realized that love didn’t have to be painful and that it was possible for me to change.

It’s okay to get attached. It’s okay to fall in love. It’s okay to have emotional needs — in fact, we all should acknowledge ours. Respecting our feelings and emotions only makes us stronger, not weaker.

Although I recognize that the main reason why I viewed relationships the way I did was because I was still in pain from past experiences, I also think our society spreads some very toxic notions regarding intimate relationships.

The reason why I couldn’t stand the idea of losing my independence was because the few times I felt like I had lost it, it was never worth it. I was either cheated on or used for emotional comfort — so, I created the belief that I’d be better off on my own.

In fact, it turns out that our ability to step into the world on our own stems from the knowledge that we have a secure base, meaning, someone who’s there to support us no matter what.

I normalized my behavior because almost everyone around me (friends, acquaintances, classmates from college) was doing the exact same thing. No one wanted an intimate, serious relationship. We prided ourselves on our ability to never get attached. And those who were different were clearly missing out.

Yes, you read that right: dependence is what leads to independence. It’s called The Dependency Paradox and it’s a widely studied psychological theory that has been proven many times.