By having your own solid network of relationships, you end up attracting that into your own life. Whether it be because

When someone feels empathy for you, they can put themself in your shoes and see things from your perspective. A great life partner will take your feelings into consideration and make choices based on them.

On top of having anger issues, my college boyfriend also refused to believe he was anything less than a god waking this planet. It probably didn’t help that I was a twenty-year-old, enamored to be dating an actor/model.

But instead of getting help with his wife or weathering the storm, he slept the neighbor down the street. It took years for her mom to build trust back up and for her dad to learn how to talk about his feelings, rather than resort to other, unhealthy means.

My current boyfriend and I grew up with wildly different life experiences. He comes from a solid family: two loving parents and a little brother. He hasn’t experienced any hardships, aside from the loss of a family dog or two.

On the other hand, I don’t have a close relationship with my family. I struggle with depression. I had two eating disorders that consumed six years of my life. I’ve been physically and sexually abused.

“The Long Tail” was Anderson’s catchy name for a set of observations about the economics of internet markets — observations that are as resonant as ever in today’s “passion economy,” in which anyone can try their hand at turning their specialized interests into sources of income. In his article and book, building on the work of academics like Erik Brynjolfsson, Jeffrey Hu, Michael Smith, and Anita Elberse, Anderson observed that brick-and-mortar stores were constrained by limited shelf space, and therefore aimed to carry only the most popular products. In sharp contrast, online platforms like Amazon and Netflix had infinite shelf space. The tech journalist’s thesis: This radical shift would have far-reaching effects, from the media and entertainment industries that were his main focus, to the markets for everything from crafts to kitchen appliances.

Sometimes I wish he could know what the pain I carry in me is like, but at the same time, I appreciate having a person who is my safe space. And my boyfriend couldn’t be that for me if he didn’t have empathy for my feelings.

And while my boyfriend can’t understand how those experiences affected me, he tries. He listens to the stories I tell him and holds me while I cry. If there’s something he doesn’t understand, he’ll ask questions.

Finding a person who can talk about their feelings or work on getting better at expressing them is like striking gold. Because life is difficult. Hard times happen. And having someone who communicates those experiences will help you both grow together rather than grow apart.

A big red flag that someone can’t understand your experiences (or doesn’t want to) is how much they ask you questions about yourself. By talking about another person’s experiences, they have to understand what you went through to keep the conversation going.

I’m not saying people who can’t express their emotions will cheat. But what I am saying is, people who can’t put to words what they’re experiencing are more likely to channel those feelings into other actions.

A friend once told me about how her dad cheated on her mom. I was shocked, mostly because her parents were still together. Back in the day, after her mom gave birth to her third child, she fell into a deep depression. She didn’t leave her room and wasn’t there for her kids. And, of course, this took a toll on her husband.

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e your story, you have to become aware of the self-talk that is keeping your narrative alive. These stories are generally negative. Maybe it’s an inner critic constantly berating you. You might be a perennial worrier, telling yourself you can’t cope. Or maybe you play the victim role, completely unknownst to yourself.

By seeing this pervasive phenomenon so clearly, spelling out its practical implications for businesses and consumers, and giving it a catchy name, Anderson helped make “The Long Tail” a buzzword, and earned a spot in TIME magazine’s 2007 list of the world’s 100 most influential people. (In it Malcolm Gladwell described the concept as “a Truly Big Idea.”)

These questions can help you move past talk that’s surface-level. You can dive deeper into someone’s mind and see how willing or able they are to talk about their emotions.