Experts who sell the idea of “finding your soulmate” have one hand in your wallet. Finding your soulmate is not the answ

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Insecurity is just a feeling (or a bunch of them) — it doesn’t need to be acted on every time it flares up. So train yourself to notice the feeling/s, and sit with them, even for a little while — and lock your phone away while you do it.

It can also seep into your behaviour so you do weird, and even irrational, things. Like excess checking on them through social media. Or texting 45 times a day and panicking when you don’t get a reply.

But, when the relationship settles, it’s worth taking stock of how your anxiety is playing out so it doesn’t derail a potentially good thing. Here are the key signs to watch out for.

What you see on social media is not what they are. It’s just them on a good day. We (all of us as humans) are artists at presenting what we want others to see. What goes on behind the front door is often markedly different. So focus on doing the best with what YOU’VE got, not what (you believe) someone else is having.

If so, you’re in good company. It’s common to feel anxious in relationships, particularly if you’ve been hurt, have a history of loss or abandonment, feel undeserving of love or have just been unlucky in love.

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you say less. What this really means is you respect the reader by curating things they find helpful. Unprofessional writers are list creators. They add lists to many of their articles so the reader can save time looking for helpful tips, tools, and techniques.

If you find yourself nodding to these things, don’t panic. Half the battle, and also half the fun of relationships, is getting to know yourself within one. If you feel insecure, the first step is to notice what’s going on. The second is to know you can turn it around.

A lot of people in therapy say “I’m not good on my own.” This is always a flag for exploration because that belief keeps people in miserable relationships for too long — or causes them to jump into a partnership with someone who’s not good for them, even when they know it.

The trouble with relationship anxiety is that it sends the wrong message to your partner: you’re a bigger, more important player in this relationship than me, you’re the one calling the shots.

Advice that says “build your self-esteem” is unhelpful — especially when a person is struggling with feelings of unworthiness. You need to approach it in a more concrete way, particularly if you have a history of failed relationships behind you. So identify your best qualities as a partner. Write them down and recall evidence for each of them. It’ll make them feel real to you.

You don’t have to be an island: travel the globe solo or even eat out alone if it’s not your thing. But you should have interests and people of your own — and, as long as it’s not corroding your relationship, hang onto them.

Because anxiety causes unpleasant or distressing feelings, the natural reaction is to want to “get rid” of them. When it happens in relationships, it causes us to clamber closer, or cling tighter (or text-bomb) our partners.

It’s common to be a little scared going into a relationship. But you shouldn’t get so hung up on what your partner’s thinking — and wanting it to work — that you hand over your power.

Experts who sell the idea of “finding your soulmate” have one hand in your wallet. Finding your soulmate is not the answer to relationship happiness — every partnership takes effort. The truth is, there are plenty of people who’d be a great partner for you. And there are plenty who would gain much from being with you. Adopting that belief will set you free.