Fontaines DC — A Hero’s Death: You don’t know who the Lincoln Project is or what a rose emoji signifies, you just like t

Matt Berninger — Serpentine Prison: You tried to reconnect with your past self, but the memories are gone in a haze of weed and Rombauer, not that you could ever tell the difference between bottles of wine. You recall the faint silhouette of a childhood crush: you barely remember their name (John? Jane?), but you know how empty you feel now without them. The thing you really can’t get over, though, is that Taylor Swift made a better National album than the lead singer of the National.

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hated the notch on the iPhone when it first came out. But the notch is a design necessity for the iPhone, and with slight innovation, such as under-display sensors and cameras, Apple can get rid of it. However, for the moment, the notch gives the iPhone its distinctive look.

The Chicks — Gaslighter: Someone made a call-out post for you about your “surface-level activism”, but they don’t know you’ve been organizing and attending protests since before they were born, they should cut you a little bit of slack. Just don’t pull a Sia or anything, you know?

Grimes — Miss Anthropocene: You came back to the office because your boyfriend injected you with a DIY vaccine. Then you looked up tentacle porn on your work computer out of habit and got fired anyway.

Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher: You said to your significant other that the pandemic was easier for you because you kinda always feel like the world is ending? Oh no, that too real? Did you fuck things up again? Is it just your anxiety talking? You diffused things with a pop culture reference and posted something uncomfortable on Twitter.

Sad13 — Haunted Painting: You share an apartment with nine other creative types and together you’re just able to afford rent and groceries. You used to have nightly cuddle puddles; none of you have hugged each other since March. But you all invested in weighted blankets so you’re good.

Jessie Ware — What’s Your Pleasure?: Every night, you dream of the dance floor, pulled along by a mysterious stranger veiled in darkness. You always wake up not remembering what happened, only the murmur of a twinkling disco light and the aftertaste of a sweet cherry cocktail.

Tame Impala — The Slow Rush: Your favorite thing about edibles is waiting for them to kick in. Your second favorite thing about edibles is getting impatient, eating another one, and then getting entirely too high. You’re honestly weird to be around.

Samia — The Baby: You’re a rehabilitated theater kid who liked the “I’m Baby” meme too much. You infantilize yourself to distract from how sad you feel. Remember when you cried listening to the Fun Home cast recording in high school? Yeah.

Megan Thee Stallion — Good News: You in particular went through a lot this year, but your OnlyFans makes more money than Bella Thorne’s and your self-confidence is through the roof lately.

Bartees Strange — Live Forever: You broke Spotify’s algorithm. In all your social groups, you make esoteric references nearly no one gets but everyone in your other groups would.

Conan Gray — Kid Krow: Your parents can definitely afford a therapist for you but you never go, because the lack of self-awareness and personal accountability makes your online brand more chaotic.

Charli XCX — How I’m Feeling Now: Your Zoom raves were everyone’s highlight. You have pet geckos that may or may not be humans in gecko costumes. You’ll doxx me if I don’t end this one with “you’re gay.”

Illuminati Hotties — Free I.H.: This Is Not The One You’ve Been Waiting For: You live in that same apartment. Since starting Zoloft you’re able to deal with 2020 a little easier, but nothing turns you on anymore except the theme music for The Daily. (You ideologically lean more left, but Michael Barbaro’s centrism and over-enunciation Does It for you.)

Fleet Foxes — Shore: Your friends were so bored during lockdown they finally got around to The Crack-Up. You’ll have to wait another 100 years for the next life-altering pandemic before they get around to Shore, even though you swear it’s more accessible and “there are ACTUAL DRUMS.”