Idealization has been defined as both a biochemical reaction and a psychological phenomenon. As a biochemical reaction,

Another example is where a parent conditions a child to feel unworthy at all costs by constantly devaluing them. They may praise siblings or the child’s classmates while shaming their own child as inadequate, or by making unfair comparisons between their child and other kids. Or, a child may be expected to praise their parents or siblings while remaining under their thumb and subservient to them.

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Children raised in these situations can grow up feeling invalidated, unheard, and may become rebellious teenagers, or adults who view relationships in terms of “all good” or “all bad” — idealizing and devaluing — without the ability to tolerate relationship issues.

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Idealization has also been coined as a psychological phenomenon and a defense mechanism. The kicker is that when it’s used as a defense mechanism (on an unconscious level), your partner’s strengths are exaggerated while their imperfections are ignored which acts as protective to any ambivalence or confusion you may have toward your partner. In other words, if you’re unsure about your partner’s feelings toward you or are unsure of yours toward them — boom, idealization can happen.

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Dopamine is also responsible for other addictions — everything from video gaming addictions to drug/alcohol dependency to retail shopping addictions. So, it’s little wonder that in the early stages of infatuation within a new relationship that idealization can kick into high gear for some.

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Toss Out Expectations. No one is perfect. What keeps idealization alive are illusions of perfection, often because imperfections trigger fear, pain or shame. Begin by aligning your ‘perfect’ partner as how your partner is instead of how you “idealize” them.

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In psychoanalytic theory, idealization can occur when seeing your partner as “imperfect” would trigger your own shame as being “imperfect”, which can then trigger feelings of self-loathing.

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Most of us have experienced the signs of infatuation — nervous anticipation and excitement around your partner, heart-rate increase, flushing, euphoric highs or intense feelings of happiness, lessened appetite, even feelings of having to see them or having to be around them which can parallel dependency.

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I’m not going to lie. There’s no simple way to figure out how to love. Learning to love after unlearning idealization is like learning to swim in the deep end of the pool. It can be frightening. And trust is necessary that you aren’t going to sink. Everything many of us were told to avoid at all costs because they’re associated with things like vulnerability, emotional availability and honest communication, are what are necessary for authentic love.

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This dynamic is also common in the “Golden Child” syndrome where parents may view their child as perfect or special and only worthy of love when seen as “perfect”. Children may become overachievers, riddled with shame for any human flaw, and out of touch with who they are as an individual outside of what their parents expect them to be.

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For example, some kids may be reared by parents who hold unrealistic expectations of achievement for their kids, where a kid needs to be the best — or they’re seen as the worst. In this situation, parents are using the kid as a reflection of themselves where the child’s accomplishments make the parents look good. Idealization is based on “adoring” a child’s successes and shaming the child’s humanness.

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However, for anyone who has been placed high up on that pedestal, you know the higher you are, the harder you fall. When the inevitable crash hits, the realization that it isn’t love also hits home.

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As with any addictive cycle, eventually more is needed in order to maintain the “highs”. In the case of idealization, it may include more frequent compliments, more adoration, more of the “hero” mentality, more of a need to save or fix their partner, and more intensity of emotion surrounding the pedestal to maintain its effects.

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What is being taught in these environments are conditions of worth, idealization and devaluation — that a person’s value is based on being “all good”, or “all bad” contingent on how many accomplishments and achievements they receive, or by how often they adore or praise others, while often being devalued themselves.

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glect you in favour of other people or they give away all your stuff. It means they treat all people with respect, including people who can’t improve their social status or help them get a better job. They offer their time, energy and expertise freely when they can AND they’re innately good-humoured about it.,

See your partner’s imperfections, quirks and things that make them uniquely them. This means shedding the rose-colored lenses for a pair of magnifying glasses. You’re going to want to become aware of your partner (and yourself) as imperfect, yet still worthy of love.