If you’re living in a small town or prefer meeting people online, joining a Facebook group can still be useful. I recomm

It’s not a surprise that many women get married only to discover their spouse can’t be their best friend, lover, therapist, cheerleader, and household co-manager all at once. Even the best of men are only human, and sadly, some women discover this truth when it is already too late.

And yes, most of those expectations do come from women, the same women who think a man who truly loves them will read their minds, and know exactly what to do and what to say in every situation as if life were no more than a script.

While Lori Gottlieb’s book is a cautionary tale against unreasonable female expectations, sometimes it is women’s very realistic expectations not being met that shatters all hope for a good marriage.

Here’s a truly shocking statistic: “In a 2019 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, which included over 6,000 American heterosexual couples over 15 years, many men experienced ‘psychological distress’ if their wives made more than 40% of the household income in a marriage.” Yes, it’s 2020, and men still feel “psychological distress” over their wives taking home a decent paycheck.

I still believe in marriage, though. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, and I would like to one day find the same for myself, although these days it has become somewhat less of a priority. Marriage now feels like something that would be nice to have, but that I’m no rush to obtain, and could absolutely do without.

Here’s a statistic that will shock absolutely no one: “On average, men worked longer hours outside the home, yet even in families where women worked equivalent or longer hours and earned higher salaries they still took on more household responsibilities.”

If marriage represents an environment where support for a woman to pursue her career goals is low, where she has to take on a disproportionate amount of housework and childcare despite having a partner (on paper) to share those responsibilities with, and where a resistant husband makes addressing those issues in a productive way a waking nightmare, it’s not really a surprise that women are calling it quits.

In her 2010 book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, Lori Gottlieb interviews several married women, as well as psychologists, matchmakers, and relationship experts in an attempt to understand if there’s really no good men out there anymore, or if women are just too picky.

Sex no longer needs to be sanctioned by marriage. There’s a myriad of socially acceptable relationship arrangements, from friends with benefits to polyamory and beyond. Single women over 30 are no longer called “spinsters” (to their face, anyways), and being a divorced woman isn’t as taboo as it once was. All things considered, incentive for women to remain in a bad marriage is simply too low to matter.

According with a 2019 report from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, men with full-time employment work on average 8.3 hours, compared with 7.7 hours for women. It’s fair to ask, do women take on more of the housework because they work (on average) fewer hours, or do they work fewer hours because they know if they don’t get home in time to cook dinner and do the laundry nobody else will?

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appelle illustrated in his masterful SNL monologue was what it means to be Black in America. Whether you’re a successful entertainer or an ailing (now dead) Republican ally of Trump, “still nigga.” But despite that, we’re still able to do exist here with a smile, humor, and beauty. Wherein Chappelle implored the audience/viewer to:

In decades past, a good marriage was one in which both spouses consistently respected each other, had a somewhat active sex life, hit milestones together (buy a house, have children, retire), and didn’t cause each other serious physical harm. Now, a good marriage is expected to provide emotional support, intellectual stimulation, companionship, best-friend level camaraderie, an endless source of laugher and joy, and an exciting — never boring — sex life.

This isn’t a case against marriage, but it’s hard to go through all of the arguments and the life experience (as I’ve said, I’m divorced myself) and not come out feeling like marriage simply isn’t as important as it once was.

In defense of the the picky women argument, one advice stands out: single women expect too much of marriage. A few twice-married women interviewed for the book sound the alarm: while they don’t necessarily regret asking for a divorce from their first husbands, getting married for a second time required a dose of humility, and made them recognize that, in retrospect, their first husbands weren’t really that bad. They admit they probably could have stayed married had they realized that at the time. The men these women married next aren’t perfect either. According to their own testimonial, they had to learn to tolerate imperfection in order to stay married the second time around.

“Dori Schwartz, a divorce mediator and coach says, ‘Today’s modern woman is more unlikely to put up with infidelity. Once the honeymoon period is over, some men drastically change their behavior from romantic to controlling and emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, this happens in many marriages, and women don’t want to take it anymore.’”