I’m a writer in my day job, so after writing all day long, sometimes the last thing I want to do is come home from work

These all sound like good excuses — and they are if they’re legitimate. But when it comes down to it, if he wanted to do any of those things, regardless of what’s going on in his life, he’d make the time to do them at some point.

Something I always say to myself when I’m dealing with a wishy-washy dating situation is, I was fine before this person came into my life. And I’ll be just fine after they’re gone.

I know for myself, if there’s something I want to do, I’ll do it. I once drove two and a half hours after working all day just to have dinner with the guy I liked. On the flip side, if there’s something I don’t want to do, nothing will shake that conviction. And often, it doesn’t have to do with the thing itself and it’s more about what’s going on with my mood at the time.

I made every excuse for him, but after he ghosted me on our date for New Year’s Eve, I finally said enough is enough. If he wanted to, he would. And he kept showing me over and over again that he did not want to.

Don’t look at it from the perspective of, “He doesn’t want me because there’s something wrong with me.” Think of it as, “He doesn’t want me because of what’s going on with him.”

He didn’t text me back for a week because he was busy with work, then just forgot. He hasn’t called me in a month because he’s tied up with a family issue. He hasn’t taken me on a real date in weeks, but that’s okay because I’m fine just chilling on the couch watching TV.

One time I dated a guy who really liked me, but he did not have the time, space, or energy in his life to have a serious relationship. His job ruled his existence, and he was going to grad school — two very demanding things. As much as he liked me, he didn’t have the time or energy to meet my demands, too. And I can’t blame him — some people choose their careers first, and that’s okay.

I once dated a guy who was terrible at balancing his priorities in his personal life. He often chose to spend his weekends with the boys instead of with me (which he did almost every weekend), and he would give me the bare minimum just enough to keep me around, but wouldn’t commit.

It doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy or aren’t good enough for them. It just means they have other things going on. “If he wanted to, he would” empowered me, because it’s a reminder that some guy’s opinion of me, or whether or not some guy likes me, has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.

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way to speak. There is no superior dialect. When we as a society uphold a “correct” way to speak, we uphold white supremacy. And, by deeming some dialects and accents unacceptable, we uphold fascist language. What makes “Standard” English the standard when most people across racial lines do not speak it? Who enforces language difference intolerance, and why? There is a linguistic hierarchy in almost every country. Without fail, the most respected dialects and accents globally are a result of nationalism, fascism, and proximity to whiteness. Speech policing is inherently racist. Many Black people and other people of color would lose their jobs or positions of power for speaking their native dialects or using slang, yet the white, male, 45th president of the US ignores the rules of grammar and speech-giving with few, if any, repercussions. White men have always been the exception to the speech rules that white men created.

I have nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to feel bad about myself. If he chooses not to invest his time in me, there’s probably something going on on his end preventing that.

It’s not ideal, but it does sometimes feel like I’m the only one putting any effort into our relationship — especially when, if I don’t text him, we don’t talk at all. Or if I don’t ask him when he wants to hang out, we don’t see each other — because he’ll never ask me.

He can’t come to my place because, well, I don’t have a place. The pandemic has me living with my parents — not exactly sexy. And, the pandemic also means we can’t meet at a halfway point for dates in bars and restaurants because, well, we don’t want to get COVID. So if we want to see each other, our only option is for me to go to him.

My best friend said that phrase to me recently on the phone. We were talking about a guy I’ve been dating for a few months. He lives far-ish, and I was explaining how I always have to drive two hours round trip every time I want to see him.

“If he wanted to, he would” reminds us not to chase after someone who isn’t interested in building something with us. It reminds us to leave behind those who aren’t reflecting our own efforts back to us.