Is your Teen Pulling Away? 7 Ways You might be causing it

It’s been two years since I wrote the post, “What a Teenage Boy Needs most from his Mom.”  The two teens that I referred to in that post are now 15, and 17 years old, and I’m happy (and relieved) to report:  They’re still doing great.  I honestly couldn’t imagine a better experience raising teen boys than what we’re in the midst of now.  (And it’s a good thing because son #3 will become a teenager in a few short months…)

I know it’s not always so smooth though.  Since writing that post I have received hundreds, even thousands of emails and messages from readers.  And though every story is different, there are some common themes that show up over and over again.

The concern I hear most is related to teens pulling away from their family.  Isolating themselves and spending all of their time with friends or alone in their room.  Growing cold in the very relationships that used to be warm and close.

Most of us expect kids to become more independent during their teenage years, and we know that is a healthy thing.  But none of us want to see the child we love grow up to be a teen who isolates himself from his own family.

Could it be a stage?  Yes.  Are there a hundred factors that might be influencing this?  Yes.  Can we control everything?  No.  But are there some things we CAN DO…or perhaps CAN AVOID DOING…that might be pushing our teenagers away?  ABSOLUTELY.  

Below are seven common ways parents can push their teens away (without even knowing it).  And the good news is– none of these are too hard to adjust, and a few small changes might make a world of difference!

Pushing teenagers away

1. TREATING THEM LIKE THEY ARE STILL KIDS.

Teenagers want to feel grown up, and they’ll usually gravitate to where they most feel that way.  The more we make them feel respected and mature at home, the happier they’ll be there.  Even if they still act childish at times (because they will) it is our job to encourage and call out the emerging adult inside of them.

So once our kids become teenagers, we need to adjust how we treat them…how we speak to them.   It’s time to quit talking down to them, calling them by their baby names, and (for the love–) cutting their meat.  It’s time to raise the bar, and inspire them to maturity.  Look at your teen and relate to your teen like an adult-in-the-making and they will respond most positively.

{Funny aside:  as I was editing the above sentences I heard my 12 (quickly going on 13-) year-old son in the kitchen yell at my husband, “Dad!  I can put milk on my own cereal…GOSH!!”  hahaha…be assured, I am writing from experience here!}

2. MAKING THEM FEEL SMOTHERED.

Keep in mind, the key word here is “feel.”  What makes your teen feel smothered might be very different from what you think is smothering.  Teens can feel smothered with questions or rules…with affection or just being in their business.  And when teens feel smothered, they’ll want to flee.

Teens need to feel that they have some control over who is in their space.  Including US.  Yes, we need to be in authority and we ought to set firm boundaries well into their teenage years. But then we need to back off a little, and give teens room to figure things out.  This means they might make some mistakes…miss some deadlines…fall down a time or two.  That’s part of growing up.

So give your teens some space and then sit back and allow them to come to you when they need you.  Because they will. 

3. GIVING THEM TOO MUCH FREEDOM.

You might assume that being the cool parent and offering your teenager plenty of freedom is the best way to maintain a positive relationship, but it usually doesn’t work that way.  Giving teens too much freedom too quickly can land them in social scenes that they aren’t equipped for, and facing peer pressure they don’t know how to handle.  The end result can be a teenager trying to fit in elsewhere, and no longer wanting to be connected at home.

All teenagers need (and deep-down, want) boundaries.  The best suggestion I have is to let your teen’s level of maturity and responsibility lead in how much freedom you give them.  Help and encourage them to find positive social outlets, and give them freedom as they prove responsible.  Also: keep in mind that sometimes teens ask to do things because they feel like they have to, but deep down they may not really want to.  Sometimes they are actually relieved when a parent says “no”.  (similar to what I talked about in my Sleepover Post.)

Though parents might assume their teen to want to rush out the door on weekends, some are quite happy to stay home and watch Netflix with the family.  If so, welcome them:  It won’t last forever.

Too late?  If you think you opened some doors too soon with your teen, you can always pull back the reigns and let them know you need to reestablish some boundaries.   Yes, it’s harder to back pedal but it CAN be done, and sometimes it can save a kid from a world of trouble.  Your teen will likely thank you one day (even if not for a few years. ;))

4. BEING OVERLY CRITICAL

If your teen feels like every time they are home they are being picked apart by their parents, they will look for ways to not be home.  There are always things to correct and criticize in our teens, but we need to choose wisely.  Overlook what you can, and extend much grace.

Balancing our correction and criticism with healthy doses of encouragement is also super important.  As we build up the positive things our teens are doing, they will be motivated to do more.  We may assume our kids know how much we love them, but a few words of specific encouragement can go a very long way.

5. HAVING AN UNPLEASANT HOME ENVIRONMENT.

Whether you’re stressed out all of the time, fight with your spouse, or just walk around with a  cloud of negativity over you, it is sure to affect your teenager.  When they were younger they had no choice but to live with it, but teenagers are aware of the options, and they don’t want to hang out in an unhappy place.

So you might want to take a step back and consider your home environment.  Maybe you’ve got some stuff to work through.  Look for ways to make yourself and your home more pleasant, and you’ll be surprised to find your teenager might be in less of a rush to get out of there.

6. NOT LISTENING/SHOWING INTEREST IN WHAT INTERESTS YOUR TEEN.

Our teenagers have thoughts, opinions, questions, and concerns.  Even the quietest teenager has a lot going on in their head.  If you’re too busy to listen to your teen’s every day thoughts and ideas, they will look for someone who will, or they’ll learn to keep it to themselves.

We gain our teenagers trust for the big conversations when we’re available for the every day ones. 

I know it’s hard when we’re busy and have a lot going on, but as much as you can, try to stop and listen when your teen has something to say.   Try hard not to be distracted — looking at your phone or doing any kind of task.  Stop and look your teen in the eye when they speak, and show them that you value what they have to say.  This one intentional action can make all the different in the world to your relationship with your teenager.

{From our home:  Just recently I asked one of my teenagers a question.  He paused for a second, and by the time he began to answer, I was pointing to something on the floor and reminding him to pick it up.  Then I walked away and was already in the next room when it occurred to me that my son had actually begun to answer my question…just as I was speaking right over him.  I didn’t even hear his answer.

I went back to him to ask forgiveness, but the truth is:  I probably do this a lot more than I even realize, and it’s something I want to work on.}

7. NOT OWNING UP TO YOUR MISTAKES.

Whether it fits in one of the categories above, or anything else, perhaps the worst thing we can do is not own up to our mistakes.  During the teen years our kids figure out that we too are imperfect humans, (bummer!) and we aren’t fooling them when we are too proud to admit we’ve been wrong.  They will lose respect for us, and begin to think of us as hypocrites.

When you realize you’ve been wrong, the best thing you can do is to go to your teen in humility and say so.  Ask forgiveness and ask for a fresh start.  Though they may  not be as quick to forgive as they were in their younger years, most teens really do want a good relationship with their parents, and will forgive many mistakes in order to have one.   Give them some time, and be sincere in the ways you are working to parent better.

It really is possible to maintain a great relationship with your teens, even as they are growing in independence.  Keep pressing on and it will pay off for the rest of your life!

If you have anything to add, or want to share which of the 7 pitfalls above hits closest to home, I’d love to hear from you in comments.  We all benefit from hearing each other’s stories and I hope you leave here encouraged! 

If you enjoyed this article, you will want to get your hands on my new book, Boy Mom:  What your son needs most from you.

Order it now on Amazon:  Boy Mom: What Your Son Needs Most from You

AND be sure to check out the BOY MOM PODCAST where I make it my goal to offer practical advice and Biblical wisdom for raising boys in this often crazy world! Find it wherever you listen to podcasts! 

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