Many people struggle to find their voice in relationships. And when they do, it’s in the heat of battle when they’re dis

But with a healthy relationship, you don’t receive big bursts of dopamine in the same way. Sure, you have sexual attraction and lust initially, but those aren’t as rewarding as the dopamine hits you’re used to getting in the past.

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our advice column for some much needed Jay-Z trivia: Hov’s verse above is one of my favorites, considering it was first heard during a Hot 97 freestyle session during a Funk Flex hour. The full version of the song is featured on a DJ Green Lantern mixtape.

Slowing down is the key to listening properly — which is obviously the key to good communication. Plenty of people talk a big game but great listening is a tougher skill to master — especially when so much of our lives are lived on the run. So slow down, sit down, lock away your phone and take the time to hear your partner. You don’t even need to add an illuminating comment, just be affirming; offer something that indicates you have heard (and, even better, understood) their viewpoint and their feelings.

On the flip side, we’re told to give “nice people” a try instead of solely looking for passion and sexual chemistry. Essentially, someone who treats you well will be boring, but they’re better than dating jerks.

Once your heart’s been hurt, it’s natural to want to protect it. You may have fallen hard for someone who cheated or turned out to be a raging jerk. That experience could leave you feeling betrayed. Not exactly an easy feeling to shake off.

There’s another way, though, to improve your relationship and to be a good, or better, partner. And that’s to work on yourself, to understand who you are and how you roll in a relationship.

Putting your guard up to keep you from getting hurt can make you feel like the only way to go about being with someone’s who’s kind. You might be scared to be vulnerable with them because you can’t fathom going through another heartbreak.

People often say they want their partner (or at least some aspect of them) to be different. But trying to change someone else is a rocky place to start: it can cause confusion and hurt — particularly if it’s a personality-based trait.

These two ideas perpetuate an unhealthy understanding of love. They say that someone who mistreats you will be the person you’ll be madly in love with, but you should settle for a nice guy because he won’t leave you crying on the bathroom floor.

Figuring out that you have an aversion to healthy relationships isn’t a death sentence. If anything, it’s the first step towards changing your dating patterns so you can experience a great relationship.

Knowing your hot buttons — those things that are sure to ignite a reaction in you — gives you some command over your behaviour. And allows you to be able to explain what’s going on to your partner.

Figuring out that you have an aversion to healthy relationships isn’t a death sentence. If anything, it’s the first step towards changing your dating patterns so you can experience a great relationship.

Do you get defensive when criticised — even if it’s justified? Are you highly sensitive to the opinions of other people? Do you have to have the last word or win an argument? Can’t let things go? Get upset when you feel overwhelmed or undervalued? Paranoid about your new partner’s whereabouts because you’ve been cheated on previously?

While it’s true therapy can help, most couples wait an average six years before signing up. By then, their dysfunctional habits are often so embedded in the relationship, it’s tough to dig them out.

Think about it. In elementary school, if someone was mean to us, our parents told us the other kid acted that ay because they “liked us.” That teasing and name-calling was a normal form of showing your attraction.