Most of us have experienced the signs of infatuation — nervous anticipation and excitement around your partner, heart-ra

Idealization has also been coined as a psychological phenomenon and a defense mechanism. The kicker is that when it’s used as a defense mechanism (on an unconscious level), your partner’s strengths are exaggerated while their imperfections are ignored which acts as protective to any ambivalence or confusion you may have toward your partner. In other words, if you’re unsure about your partner’s feelings toward you or are unsure of yours toward them — boom, idealization can happen.

See your partner’s imperfections, quirks and things that make them uniquely them. This means shedding the rose-colored lenses for a pair of magnifying glasses. You’re going to want to become aware of your partner (and yourself) as imperfect, yet still worthy of love.

This dynamic is also common in the “Golden Child” syndrome where parents may view their child as perfect or special and only worthy of love when seen as “perfect”. Children may become overachievers, riddled with shame for any human flaw, and out of touch with who they are as an individual outside of what their parents expect them to be.

Children raised in these situations can grow up feeling invalidated, unheard, and may become rebellious teenagers, or adults who view relationships in terms of “all good” or “all bad” — idealizing and devaluing — without the ability to tolerate relationship issues.

For example, some kids may be reared by parents who hold unrealistic expectations of achievement for their kids, where a kid needs to be the best — or they’re seen as the worst. In this situation, parents are using the kid as a reflection of themselves where the child’s accomplishments make the parents look good. Idealization is based on “adoring” a child’s successes and shaming the child’s humanness.

What is being taught in these environments are conditions of worth, idealization and devaluation — that a person’s value is based on being “all good”, or “all bad” contingent on how many accomplishments and achievements they receive, or by how often they adore or praise others, while often being devalued themselves.

It’s not all about the other person, though. To attract the right partner, you first have to be the right partner yourself. Cultivate a greater self-confidence. Know who you are and what you want from your life. Don’t look to someone else to give you a sense of validation or belonging. Don’t live your life expecting a relationship to make you happy. Find those things for yourself and then find a partner and a partnership which complements it.

In psychoanalytic theory, idealization can occur when seeing your partner as “imperfect” would trigger your own shame as being “imperfect”, which can then trigger feelings of self-loathing.

Another example is where a parent conditions a child to feel unworthy at all costs by constantly devaluing them. They may praise siblings or the child’s classmates while shaming their own child as inadequate, or by making unfair comparisons between their child and other kids. Or, a child may be expected to praise their parents or siblings while remaining under their thumb and subservient to them.

I’m not going to lie. There’s no simple way to figure out how to love. Learning to love after unlearning idealization is like learning to swim in the deep end of the pool. It can be frightening. And trust is necessary that you aren’t going to sink. Everything many of us were told to avoid at all costs because they’re associated with things like vulnerability, emotional availability and honest communication, are what are necessary for authentic love.

However, for anyone who has been placed high up on that pedestal, you know the higher you are, the harder you fall. When the inevitable crash hits, the realization that it isn’t love also hits home.

Toss Out Expectations. No one is perfect. What keeps idealization alive are illusions of perfection, often because imperfections trigger fear, pain or shame. Begin by aligning your ‘perfect’ partner as how your partner is instead of how you “idealize” them.

Differing as our ideal partner types might be, there are core qualities we should all seek in someone we want to open up and grow with for the long-term. Fully realized boundaries, basic empathy, and a sense of humor are all important. As well as a willingness to communicate and an internal confidence, that brings stability to your relationship.

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re sailing on the Nile, a severe incident occurred: for reasons unknown, Antinous fell into the river and drowned. There are several theories about his untimely death. Although an accident cannot be excluded, other theories are conceivable and perhaps even more comprehensible. The idea that Antinous sacrificed himself to heal Hadrian’s unknown illness seems far-fetched. It is also unlikely that Antinous drowned himself to not endanger his beloved’s reputation as a great emperor. From today’s perspective, it is more likely that Antinous fell victim to an insidious conspiracy concocted by the court’s highest circles.

As with any addictive cycle, eventually more is needed in order to maintain the “highs”. In the case of idealization, it may include more frequent compliments, more adoration, more of the “hero” mentality, more of a need to save or fix their partner, and more intensity of emotion surrounding the pedestal to maintain its effects.