Spend time with your partner in new ways. For instance, changing the topic to something unrelated; using humor to diffus

Increase physical affection. Hold hands with your partner, give them a massage, and demonstrate your love through touch. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases feel good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones — -lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

The best way to keep your marriage fulfilling and passionate is to establish rituals to enhance your profound love and intimacy as a couple. A good marriage requires vulnerability to thrive. Responding positively to your partner’s bids for connection will help you bring out the best in one another.

Yet, across the country, dozens of people who have never met Waller have fought for her freedom from ICE custody, mailing her notes of support as they do. Waller considered these letters and postcards critical to remaining focused on her release and preserving a sense of faith beyond her immediate circumstances. “Mail is a big thing, you know,” she says. “When I receive letters, it puts a smile on my face. It reminds me that someone is thinking about me and I haven’t been forgotten.”

Waller is just one of many domestic abuse survivors across the United States who are incarcerated. The ACLU estimates that as many as 94% of some women’s prison populations are domestic abuse survivors — many for self-defense or other acts of survival. These survivors are often already marginalized — Black people, undocumented people, poor people, queer and trans people, sex workers, those who’ve already suffered at the hands of the carceral system, and beyond.

Practice Physical Reconnect. When you give an intimate kiss, it is not just the meeting of your lips. It usually involves touching with some other part of your bodies, i.e., hand on cheek, hand on hair, and embrace, etc. Having an additional point of physical contact during a kiss with your partner creates a deeper sense of intimacy.

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ggests that you plan out when you’re going to wake up, count back however many hours you need to sleep, and then consider setting an alarm to remind yourself to get ready for bed. “The worst thing you can do is stay up late then hit snooze in the morning,” she says. “Humans have a limited amount of willpower. Why waste that willpower arguing with yourself over when to get up, and sleeping in miserable nine-minute increments?”

As a teenager, Waller became involved in a relationship with a man in San Diego who subjected her to verbal, physical, and sexual abuse spanning more than a decade. The experience “demoralized and degraded” her, Waller says, and she became a drug addict. At the age of 30, Waller made a series of poor decisions to fuel her addiction, which led to her incarceration. The charges made her, a lawful permanent resident, subject to deportation.

“The question isn’t about the crime the survivor committed,” says Ny Nourn, an immigrant rights community advocate with the Advancing Justice Asian Law Caucus. “It’s about examining the larger system that perpetuates harm.”

Every Tuesday, Waller speaks on the phone with one of her strongest advocates: Kelly Savage, a woman she met at CCWF. Since Savage’s parole in 2018, the women have remained connected via phone calls and letters; Savage has sent money to Waller’s commissary and helped facilitate communications with those on the outside. “She’s been by my side, even before all these issues with my deportation,” Waller says. “She accepted me for who I am.”

On August 31, after 15 years, Patricia Waller was on the brink of being released from the Central California Women’s Facility (CCWF). Instead of tasting freedom, though, she found herself heading hundreds of miles to a Colorado detention facility after California Governor Gavin Newsom handed her over to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). Waller was born in Belize — a country she has few remaining ties to but will soon be returning to against her will.

A number of high-profile cases in recent memory have demonstrated the insidiousness of that pipeline: Marissa Alexander, who defended her life from her abusive husband by firing one warning shot that caused no physical harm; Tracy McCarter, who is currently incarcerated at Rikers Island for an act of self-defense against her now late husband; and Nikki Addimando, who murdered her boyfriend in self-defense after years of physical and sexual abuse. The system is not structured to protect survivors.

Being away from her family, community, and legal team has been “a little stressful, maybe,” Waller tells me over the phone one morning in mid-September, her voice shaking. “I’m trying to figure out where I’m going to go from here, starting over in a country I don’t even remember, with a felony record hanging over my head.”

The good news is that there are some things you can do to restore the spark that you once had as a couple. In fact, Dr. John Gottman explains: “Couples who “know each other intimately [and] are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams” are couples who make it.” Even if you are not an affectionate person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.

The good news is that there are some things you can do to restore the spark that you once had as a couple. In fact, Dr. John Gottman explains: “Couples who “know each other intimately [and] are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams” are couples who make it.” Even if you are not an affectionate person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.

Newsom’s decision to transfer Waller during a pandemic — something public health officials had advised against for months — has already resulted in Waller contracting Covid-19 inside the Colorado facility. But finally being released from quarantine early this week has been cold comfort for the 55-year-old woman, who could be deported to Belize as soon as this week.