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ty for playing around with different programming languages for over 20 years. This is an attempt at recollecting some of those experiences — ideas which really stood out in each language or which I have in retrospect seen the significance of.

I understood that I had been compromising so much for no good reason that I’d stayed with my husband not because I was in love with him, but because I wanted to accommodate him and the children.

Once we took the red pill, my husband started dating first. I thought I’d feel jealous, but I didn’t. All I felt was curiosity and excitement that we were trying something new. I have an anxious attachment style and tend to feel insecure in relationships, especially early on. So, perhaps the lack of jealousy could have been an indicator of the state of my marriage. In the moment, though, I was just happy and excited for my husband.

I’d been married eight years when Brian sat next to me at a writers’ workshop. I didn’t know his name was Brian then… I didn’t know him at all. Being new to the workshop, I’d taken my own seat in the circle of writers, and busied myself by reading through the stack of writing samples I’d been given when I walked in. With my eyes down, I saw his cowboy boots first. That caused me to look up slightly at this man who, staying true to form, also wore some kind of jacket that I guessed was called a duster. His face, again in character — handsome and weathered. Improbably, no cowboy hat, but a full head of good hair. I felt heat coming off him.

Deciding to open up our marriage was like taking the red pill. We had no idea what we were doing, we didn’t know if we could go back to life as we knew it, and yet we were willing to see how deep the rabbit hole went. Staying monogamous would have been like taking the blue pill — we’d continue waking up in our bed and living our “normal” lives.

So here is my word of caution to all of you, couples, contemplating whether or not to open up. If you decide to do it, chances are you will have a lot more joy in your life. You might gain a new perspective in your relationship with your partner. By connecting with multiple people you might discover needs and boundaries you didn’t know you had. You might discover that your “primary” relationship is no longer what you truly need. And you might discover a deep sense of self-love, self-respect, and acceptance that will force you to prioritize yourself and your own happiness.

Would I have moved out if I didn’t have that new relationship? Yes, I would, but it likely would have taken more time to admit that our marriage wasn’t working. I’ve had other new relationships before and didn’t want to move out, so starting a new relationship wasn’t the reason for the separation, but feeling seen and accepted definitely played a part.

This state of blissful compersion lasted a couple of years. We both had other relationships that didn’t intervene much with our own. We loved our other partners to a degree, but those feelings were never more important than our marriage. We would tell each other about our dates, be each other’s shoulder to cry on when dates didn’t go as planned, and occasionally would hang out with each other’s “plus ones”.

So here is my word of caution to all of you, couples, contemplating whether or not to open up. If you decide to do it, chances are you will have a lot more joy in your life. You might gain a new perspective in your relationship with your partner. By connecting with multiple people you might discover needs and boundaries you didn’t know you had. You might discover that your “primary” relationship is no longer what you truly need. And you might discover a deep sense of self-love, self-respect, and acceptance that will force you to prioritize yourself and your own happiness.

Finally, I admitted to myself that I no longer needed multiple relationships. It was a tough pill to swallow, given that I write about polyamory… It was even tougher to realize I was not interested in staying with my husband anymore. When I told him I was going to move out, he felt betrayed. When we opened our marriage we thought other relationships would come and go, but we would stay together forever. Yet there I was, not wanting to live with him anymore.

I’d only experienced instant attraction like that once before. I’d gotten into an elevator with a man who lived in my building. We were young enough that I still have the urge to call him a boy. I looked at him and thought things like “fate” and “lips.” It turned out to be just as big a mess as you’d think it would be because I had a boyfriend at the time. Whatever this thing is called — lust or attraction — it was too alluring for me to skip out on in my twenties.

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill — the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill — you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

As I was contemplating what being married meant for me and whether my happiness was important, I started dating someone new. This new relationship was surprisingly easy from the very first interaction and it just kept getting better. I felt seen and accepted. Any time something really good happened — deep conversation, alignment on critical issues like politics, positive, non-threatening reaction to a different opinion — I would think “Wow! I didn’t realize this was possible”. These awesome moments just kept piling on. The relationship eventually became so fulfilling and wonderful that I stopped wanting to date anyone else. All of my needs were being met with that one person and all I wanted to do was share my love only with him.

Coincidentally, I’ve been working with a therapist for the last few years. I was learning what self-acceptance and self-love meant for me. I figured out how to set boundaries and express my needs in a way that they’d be heard. I started practicing my newly found boundary-setting skills in all of my relationships, including my marriage. As I did that, I understood that I had been compromising so much for no good reason that I’d stayed with my husband not because I was in love with him, but because I wanted to accommodate him and the children. I was scared to admit to myself that I no longer wanted to be with him. I didn’t feel accepted by my husband nor I could accept all of him. We wanted to change each other and kept getting more and more frustrated by one another’s unwillingness to change.

No, he didn’t say that. That’s what he said in my imagination. But, he did make eye contact and smile hello. And if a gut feeling could speak a sentence, the sentence in me in that moment would have been, “Katy, it looks like you might be in trouble.”