Then don’t follow the example of Oedipus Rex, who made the fatal mistake of just assuming the people who rais

Do you ever think you’re adopted? Have you wondered why you look so different from your parents? Has a clothed, blind teenage girl told you you’re destined to marry your mother and kill your father? Do you want to avoid your prophecy and not marry your mother and kill your father?
Then don’t follow the example of Oedipus Rex, who made the fatal mistake of just assuming the people who raised him were his biological parents. Of course, English teachers say there was nothing Oedipus could have done to escape his fate. They’re right. But if Oedipus had modern-day technology and completed a DNA test, he could have avoided incest and patricide.

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Well, look no further than our highly effective Oedipus Ancestry Test! Our test will help you determine whether your “mother” is your biological mother. Through a short pinprick of your blood, the Oedipus Ancestry Test will give a result. After your blood sample is in the device, shake our ball-sized machine for a “yes” or “no.”
Ancestry.com has a steep monthly membership of $24.99, but our Oedipus Ancestry Test can be purchased for the cheap price of $10. It has 99% accuracy, but make sure not to shake the machine multiple times or it can bias the results. Only take the answer choice you got from your first shake, and that should determine whether your mother is your real mother.
As for the other part of the Oedipus prophecy, our technology is still being upgraded to determine if your father is your real father. Our ground-breaking biotechnology is not as advanced yet, but here’s what you need to do if the Oedipus Ancestry Test answers “yes”:
Leave your house. Now. Get as far away from your mother as possible. Don’t answer her calls, don’t communicate with her anymore. If you do leave a communication, tell her you want to avoid the prophecy of marrying her and that the sexual tension you’ve felt since birth was just too much to handle now. It’s for everyone’s own good. If you live in New York, go to California. If you live in California, go to New York. If you live in Florida, go to Canada.
You simply cannot have contact with your mother again if you want to avoid the prophecy.
However, if the Oedipus Ancestry Test says no, then you’re good. You can stay in your house. The emotional labor of realizing you were adopted and your parents aren’t your real parents is difficult, but it’s better than marrying and sleeping with your mom and killing your dad. Your whole life is a lie, but hey, if your “mother” is single, that might be a silver lining.
As we’ve said before, our research has shown that the Oedipus Ancestry Test has 99% efficacy — better than both the Moderna and Pfizer COVID-19 vaccines. You cannot doubt the results of our Oedipus Ancestry Test, or trust any other ancestry test over us, or else you’re buying into misinformation. Sure, our test isn’t FDA approved, but that’s because the FDA doesn’t review low-risk general wellness products — ours is the best of the best.
Don’t get a second opinion. Don’t trust how similar you look to your parents. Don’t trust other DNA tests or even doctors. All you need is the Oedipus Ancestry Test to determine the future trajectory of your life.