When you change, you open up the void of the unknown to other people, because you sort of expand their thinking, whether

There was a time, not so long ago, when whole families gathered together for Christmas Day, experiencing the Hallmark moment of passing the ritual meat across the table as all smiled beatifically at one another.

The racist uncle with the grabby hands turns up just in time for dinner. The balding, three-time divorcee still regards himself as the playboy of the family and brings with him a coked-up woman dressed for the night and ready to party.

This approach used by the narcissist is especially destructive, because it impairs the child’s ability to learn from genuine feedback. They never know whether something they do is either good or bad or right or wrong, because that ‘good and bad’ is manipulated and used for different purposes and interests. The only thing the child learns is how to cater to the interests of their narcissistic parents.

By the time the meal has ended, one sibling — possibly my wife but more likely her sister — has stormed off in a huff. In tow would be her loser of a husband whose stupidity is only second to his virility as he gathers his eight children, pausing only to let rip some “home truths.” The wife is now sobbing in the kitchen and drowning her sorrows with the top-shelf liquor, shots lined up and ready to be downed in one.

Because of that broken ability to learn from feedback, they often don’t know how to support themselves, because all they ever knew is how to cater to someone else’s priorities. This in return amplifies the dependency on the very same people who caused it. Instead of finally gaining independence, the child — now adult — remains trapped in a dysfunctional relationship, sometimes well into the parents old-age, maybe even until their death. In a way, unconsciously fulfilling the parent’s wish for lifelong control and dependency.

Okay, that last part was untrue. The uncle is a sad loner who has decided to live the remainder of his life in hostile disagreement with everyone. He blames immigration and the system for his failure in life and likes nothing better than to shock the liberals around the table with racist propaganda that wouldn’t sound out of place on an Alex Jones show.

Narcissistic personality disorder is virtually untreatable or treatable with very limited success. It is therefore the child’s or later the adult’s responsibility to deal with the results of such an upbringing. Only extensive learning and therapy can help gain back control over one’s life.

The child may — consciously or unconsciously — know that, but being incapacitated has no idea of how to break that cycle of dependency. What narcissistic parents fear most is to have a fully independent child supporting itself on all levels — mentally, emotionally, and physically.

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n the industry stopped reflecting the impulses that drive us as musicians. I sit and wonder when factors such as industry relationships, internal politics, and magazine covers started being rewarded before the music itself. I sit and wonder about the ways in which artists in other fields — fine art, dance, film — are identified and praised for their notable bodies of work, not because their notable bodies or working relationships.

Because narcissists require (demand) constant “special treatment,” validation, and/or appeasement in order to feel good about themselves, their children serve as perfect victims to fulfill those needs.

It would begin calm enough. The in-laws would arrive, and we would all greet each other warmly — except my mother-in-law, who came armed with a passive-aggressive statement to launch at the mother of my children. Not wanting to miss out on the action, the sister-in-law would serve up a slice or two of habitual barbed arrows laced with poisonous put-downs.

They are mentally, emotionally, and physically indoctrinated to depend on their parents, therefore every action towards breaking this dependency must be punished or sabotaged through various ways of manipulation.

Another way of dealing with their child’s accomplishment is to ignore it. Especially if they don’t see any benefit from it (What’s in it for me?), they will act as though it never existed. Because acknowledging it would mean giving up control. Being the child’s parent, they know which buttons to push to maintain that control.

Narcissists have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment — they will do anything to keep everyone within their reach. Not even their adult children know that all they do is motivated by the wish to earn their parents’ recognition. They try to meet their parents’ expectations which by definition can never be met.

The men would scoff and bellow and depart to the lounge while the women would quietly smolder in close quarters in the too-small-not-as-big-as-mine kitchen. The squabbling would continue throughout the day among the grown-up siblings. The eldest daughter would slowly get smashed on cheap red wine bought as a gift by the cheap brother who wants nothing more than to depart unscathed into the night to enjoy some freeloading revelry.