6 Ways to Be a Better Friend

We've all heard the expression, "To have a friend, you've got to be a friend." But it's not always so easy, especially when something goes desperately wrong in a friend's life and you don't know how to handle it.

It could be something significant, such as a death or illness in the family; the break-up for a marriage or long-term relationship; or even dealing with a terminally sick pet. Or, it could be something small: a bad-hair day; a broken nail, a broken date or a broken promise.

Sometimes, it's hard to know how to react, or what to say. You don't want to come across as unfeeling or callous, but you don't want to say too much and risk sticking your foot in your mouth. So what to do? Here, 6 no-fail ways to be a superior pal, especially when the going gets tough...

1. Gone with the wind

The situation: Without rhyme or reason, your friend's long-term boyfriend suddenly leaves her - for a bosomy Pamela Anderson look-alike "glamour" model.

How your friend might be feeling: Hurt, humiliated, confused, heart-broken - and mad as a rabid pitbull.

What NOT to do: Tell her she's better off without the dumb schmuck - there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Instead, try this: Encourage your pal to vent her anger in a safe place. Sit and listen to her until the venom is out of her system. Then, when she feels ready, take her out with some gal pals for a margarita-fueled night on the town. She'll feel better soon than you can say, "Baywatch"!

And don't forget: Getting dumped under the best of circumstances can be a truly ego-deflating experience, so boost your friend's confidence by reminding her all of her wonderful, positive qualities (which do not need to include a cantaloupe-sized pair of silicone-pumped boobs).

2. If at first your don't succeed...

The situation: It shouldn't have happened, but it did: Your best friend's failed the Bar exam - again.

How your friend might be feeling: Like she's the biggest failure on the face of the earth.

What NOT to do: Remind her that failure is just a state of mind; that lots of people failed the bar and lived to tell the tale; that it was probably rigged anyway.

Instead, try this: Tell your pal that you know she feels terrible, but encourage her not to give up. She can always take the exam again, and she will do better the next time. You might also suggest working with her as her study buddy or offer to babysit her kids while she's at her Bar-exam prep class. The more pressure you can take off your already stressed-out pal, the better.

And don't forget: Your friend undoubtedly feels like a first-class failure, so help her realize that she's certainly not; far from it. After all, one failed exam - even if it's a biggie - does not a failed life make.

3. The long goodbye

The situation: After a long and generally happy life, your friend's beloved 89-year-old aunt passes away.

How your friend might be feeling: Like a rudderless ship. Lost; sad; inconsolable. Unable to get through the day or night without sobbing.

What NOT to do: Trivialize the situation by reminding your friend that her aunt lived a long and happy life - and that she was healthy throughout most of it. Or worse, remind your pal that she's not alone. In her mind, she is alone - very much so.

Instead, try this: Be emotionally available to your friend. Lend a shoulder for her to cry on; listen to her reminisce about her aunt, as painful as it may be. Let her know that she can count on you for moral support, whenever and wherever she needs it. You'll always be there for her.

And don't forget: Your friend is in the midst of coping with an earth-shattering event in her life. Let her talk if she wants to, but don't push it. She'll open up when she's ready. And if she needs extra support, do encourage her to seek the services of a professional grief counselor. Sometimes, it's the most effective way to cope. Also, if you knew her aunt, don't be afraid to talk about her - her razor-sharp sense of humor; love of cats; fondness for planting daffodils. While talking about her obviously won't bring her back, stifling feelings won't make the pain go away either.

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4. Men (not) at work

The situation: A week before earning a long-awaited promotion, your friend's husband is "downsized" from his six-figure job.

How your friend might be feeling: Worried, scared and uncertain about her family's future; perhaps embarrassed about what her friends may think.

What NOT to do: Try to cheer her up with examples of other friends' spouses who were let go and then climbed up the corporate ladder, faster and more successfully than ever. Remember, each situation is different, so making comparisons isn't all that helpful.

Instead, try this: Be sensitive and take your friend's lead. When she needs a listening ear, provide it; when she needs tea and sympathy, provide that too. And while you don't want to give her false hope, there's nothing wrong with encouraging her to remain optimistic. Chances are that her husband will get a new job in the near future, so there's plenty of reason to have high hopes.

And don't forget: When a friend's family is going through hard times, your pal won't be her happy self - and she might also be strapped for cash. Therefore, you might want to keep that in mind during your next shopping trip, especially if you find yourself drooling over that Prada tote or pair of Jimmy Choo peep-toes.

5. End of the affair

The situation: Your best friend's suspicions were correct: After too many late nights at the "office," her husband is indeed having an affair.

How your friend might be feeling: Like she's just experienced the biggest disappointment - and betrayal - of her life. As if curling up and dying would be preferable to facing the "tsk-tsking" of her well-meaning pals.

What NOT to do: Avoid making nasty comments about her errant husband. Although it may seem like a swell idea to diss Mr. Can't-Keep-My-Dockers-On, if your friend ends up reconciling with the bozo (oops! her husband), you'll feel like the biggest jerk on earth.

Instead, try this: Be sympathetic and let your friend do the talking. If she asks for your opinion, try not to pass judgment. It may come back to bite you in the buttocks.

And don't forget: Your friend is in a vulnerable state right now, and she might have an extended family to deal with too. Tread lightly, and take her lead.

6. A friend in need

The situation: Your best friend is recently diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer. Although her prognosis is excellent, she's been staying home, out of circulation, recovering her strength.

How your friend might be feeling: Scared; lonely; left out; depressed.

What NOT to do: Try to cheer her up by blabbing on and on about how things are in the "outside world." It will only make her feel more out of the loop than she already is.

Instead, try this: Make her feel as if she's still a part of things by filling her in on all the juicy gossip, while at the same time not making her feel as if she's missing out on anything too big. Later, when she's got her strength back and returns to her normal, everyday activities, she'll feel as if she hasn't missed much and can pick up right where she left off.

And don't forget: Your friend may be ill but she's the same person she was before she got sick. Reminding her of this fact might be useful, and incredibly uplifting.

Melissa Roske, ACC, founder of Wheels in Motion Coaching (www.WheelsInMotionCoaching.com), is a New York University-trained Life and Personal Coach, committed to helping her clients to achieve their personal and professional goals. Certified by the International Coach Federation (ICF), Melissa is also an internationally published author, advice columnist and relationships advisor.