How to cope with grief during the holidays and a pandemic

The overwhelming amount of loss we've experienced during this pandemic is in stark contrast to what is supposedly the happiest time of the year.

Nine months to a year into the crisis, depending on where you live, nearly 2 million people around the world have died from Covid-19. And that's in addition to the thousands more people who died from deaths of despair, disease, accidents and other causes this year.

Grief, of course, is an experience that people encounter all the time -- but this year there are pandemic-related factors that compound that normal process.

"Many of the deaths involve people dying very quickly or dying without their loved ones present. Even after the loss, there is not the ability to have the kind of support we usually have," said clinical psychologist Therese Rando, the clinical director of The Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss in Rhode Island. "We're not just dealing with loss, but we're dealing with trauma as well."

And since the holidays are a time when we expect to feel love and togetherness among family, "the holidays are going to underscore the loss," Rando, author of "How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies" and other books on grief, said. "So just by definition, the loss of a loved one is going to be taking out one of the elements that's supposed to make the holidays so good."

Grief doesn't just go away, and if you don't want to celebrate the holidays, you don't have to. If you want to or are compromising with family but want to minimize the pain, however, here's some advice that could help make the holidays both bearable and enjoyable.

Navigating or even abandoning expectations

Unrealistic expectations, memories and longing can darken your anguish and the holiday season. "We've sort of marginalized the holidays, and we've set this expectation that we should have this celebratory attitude," said psychologist Sherry Cormier, a bereavement trauma specialist, consultant and author of "Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness After Loss and Grief."

This year, "that notion is really challenged because during the pandemic we all have lost something even if we haven't lost someone."

People who are grieving may await the holidays in fear, dreading how horrible the days might be. Recognize that the anticipation is likely worse than what the actual day will be like, and "watch out about the shoulds," Rando said. Because you're grieving and there is so much adversity this year, don't subject yourself to ideas of how you should be handling the holidays or thinking that something is wrong with you. You're "experiencing something that's very normal under the circumstances."

Also, understanding the etymology of the word "holiday" might help.

"There is nothing in the 'holy day,' the meaning of the holiday, that even talks about celebration," Cormier said. "It talks about a holiday as suspending ordinary business, meaning it's a time when we don't do what we normally do. ... This year, in particular, it makes it more palatable when we realize we won't have the celebrations that we typically have."

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