How to navigate your first threesome, by a sex therapist

With relationships, jealousy and safety measures to consider, threesomes often take a little more organisation than you might realise.

Seriously turned on by the idea of a threesome but don't know where to start? A three-way is the epitome of kinky sex and most of us have fantasised about inviting additional people into the bedroom at one time or another. But while group sex of any kind might be a great fantasy, with relationship negotiations, jealousy and safety measures to consider, in reality three-way sex often takes a little more organisation than you might realise.

Psychosexual and relationship therapist Sarah Berry offers her expert tips on the pros and cons of inviting an extra body into your bed, how to work out if you really do want a threesome, plus tips on making the most of group sex:

Fancy a threesome?
I’ve never read a fantasy list that didn’t include threesomes. This lusted after arrangement involves three people embarking on some sort of sexual activity together - usually in the same room.

In our heteronormative, monogamous society, this sort of tryst is usually deemed as a taboo activity which can feel exciting for some and anxious-making for others. Even if all parties are happy and willing to partake, it can still be an emotional minefield.

Here are some thoughts to help you work out what you really want and, if it’s definitely a threesome, how to maximise fun and mitigate fallout.

What is a threesome?
Threesomes are a type of group sex that can happen in any combination of sexualities and gender including three men, three women, three non binary people or a mixture of each. People who have sex in these arrangements may identify as something like queer or bisexual, or they may be heterosexual and experimenting or simply turned on by the idea of threesomes.

The large majority of threesome porn scenes centre around two women and a man; two women getting it on is a classic sexualised image. Some men might feel that their female partner being with another woman is easier to palate than her being with another man. The problem being, all of this dismisses what may be going on between individual people. The following also all fall within the threesome genre:

1. Unicorn hunting
When a heterosexual couple wants to invite a bisexual person into their relationship, it is known as unicorn hunting. They may have a wish list of everything they want this person to be and a lot of rules about how they should act. They may feel a queer or bisexual person would simply slot into their demands and not be a rounded person with their own feelings, needs and desires. So try not to reduce the third person to a fantasy sex object who is merely a sticking plaster to your relationship before thinking about having a threesome.

2. Cuckolding
Cuckolding is another common fantasy within the threesome genre which is borne out of the fission of jealousy felt from one’s partner having sex with another person. Some people like to be in the room watching their partner having sex. Others like to be told about it afterwards. This can be a fun thing to do if all parties are willing and treated with respect. A word of caution: becoming preoccupied with cuckoldry may be to the detriment of any intimacy you have with your partner.

3. Non-monogamous arrangements
The threesome fantasy typically refers to a casual arrangement. But there can also be more formal arrangements, such as the ménage à trois which refers to a domestic situation where three people share romantic and sexual relations, or polyamorous set ups where people may also share relationships.

Things are changing slowly - there are more diverse characters on the TV and voices in the media in general. We are seeing more LGBTQIA safe spaces where more people can embrace non-monogamy either as part of their life or as a permanent lifestyle, preference or identity, so these are all things to consider.

Threesomes and jealousy
Once you've established what type of threesome you're keen to explore, there are other points to consider before taking the next steps.

Even if you are excited by threesomes, you may be triggered by how someone looks at someone else or the sex noises they make.

Some people get aroused by seeing their partner or someone they fancy having fun with someone else. But a lot of our thoughts during sex are instinctive and happen in the subconscious. Even if you are excited to have a threesome, you may be triggered by how someone looks at someone else or the sex noises they make.

If you have feelings of jealousy it’s important to talk about these as soon as you can. Maybe have time out during the threesome or after it’s finished. Thoughts can fester and grow when left unattended.
Why do you want a threesome?
There are many reasons why someone might want a threesome. The best include the idea that it would be a fun addition to your sex life.

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If you are part of a monogamous relationship and want a threesome but your partner doesn’t, then that should be the end of it. Either stay with them and accept this, or leave.

If you become preoccupied with having a threesome, think about why. If any of the below reasons ring bells, I would strongly suggest you to rethink where you are and what you want, in your relationship and beyond:

You’re bored of your current sex life.
You missed out on a lot of sex when you were young.
You miss being naked with people who aren’t your partner.
Your partner has had more sex than you and you want to catch up.
Your partner has cheated and you want to do the same.
You feel sexual attraction to a gender other than that of your partner.
I work with a lot of people who have jealousy and grief around sex. it’s unlikely one threesome will make it all better. If it’s amazing, are you sure you will be content to go back to how things are?

What’s more, having a threesome with someone who isn’t enthusiastic will either end your relationship or make it a seething mess of resentment. When we feel trapped or unfulfilled we often go into a fantasy world. Individual or couples counselling can help you with this.
How to talk to your partner about threesomes
If you are in a relationship and would like a threesome but have no idea what your partner might think, first examine why you want to have a threesome and then ask yourself: what will you do if they say no?

remember there is a big difference between speculating about something and actually planning to do it.
If you don’t know how to gauge your partner’s response, you could ask them what they think about threesomes or group sex in general. Maybe discuss movies that have threesome scenes in them. Though remember there is a big difference between speculating about something and actually planning to do it. Any fantasy talk, particularly when aroused, should be taken with a pinch of salt.

How to find the third wheel
Once you've established that you're keen to have a threesome and your partner is in agreement, now all you need is a third party prepared to have sex with a couple. Where does anyone meet anyone these days? Dating apps, through friends, in clubs - if you see someone you fancy just ask politely and see if they agree. Remember not to make assumptions based on someone’s sexual identity. You could also try the following:

• Anywhere you meet anyone for a date
Try a pub, club, party or organised social event and see if you meet likeminded people.

• Check your contacts book
You might already know your third wheel. But remember sex usually complicates friendships. What will you do if it goes wrong or someone develops feelings?

• Go online
Many dating apps come with casual or complicated hook up functionality these days, so research sites such as XMatch or AdultFriendFinder, or simply include 'Couple looking for a threesome' in your Tinder profile.

• Check out sex clubs
There are sex clubs all over the UK where it's often easier to meet likeminded people, so visit directories like Swinging Heaven for one near you and also check for reviews and rules of the club. For example some have a dress code and some swinger clubs don’t let in single males.

• Spontaneous fun
A threesome could come from a spontaneous happening on a flirty night out. It’s quite possible, in this situation, that you’re all inebriated and potentially in a daring frame of mind. If this does happen, do take a moment and think about the consequences mentioned in this feature. I’ll say again, if you have close connections, sex usually affects things.
The importance of rules
Everyone has different limits and boundaries and it’s important to respect that. Consider the following questions and set the rules before you have a threesome:
Threesome sex positions
Two people having sex can, to a large part, be left to spontaneity. But when it comes to three, it can be harder to go with the flow. Someone can easily feel left out or overwhelmed and it can be very hard to stop if they feel the other two people are into it. So having an idea of what can happen will help. If someone is enjoying voyeurism that’s great but if can also lead to feelings of awkwardness and rejection - and it’s very bad manners.

Two people having sex can be left to spontaneity. But when it comes to three, it can be harder to go with the flow.

So there are genitals, bottoms, mouths, hands, nipples and various other erogenous zones that can be deployed in any number of combinations.

Traditional poses include the spit-roast where there is one person between two bodies, having genital penetration while giving oral sex. Despite the name, be sure to not just treat this person like a piece of meat.

The lucky Pierre describes a person receiving simultaneously receiving anal and vaginal penetration.
Threesome aftercare and things to consider
Sex can be mind blowing fun, but it can also be emotionally and physically challenging, so always follow a threesome with aftercare and check-in with all parties to make sure they’re OK. Lots of hugs, gentle touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared will maintain good vibes. It's also worth considering the following:

Will the guest be allowed to sleep over, and in the same bed?
Are you all going to be in contact with each other after the event?
Can two of the three meet up alone?
If you want the third wheel to leave straight afterwards, it’s best to clear this ahead of time.
If you’re carrying on the party with your partner once they've been pushed out, this can be very rejecting and bad etiquette.
If you are hesitant about being social with your guest, I would advise you to have a rethink about having a threesome at all.