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Not the Splash-the-Cash kind of generosity. That’s easy (or easy if you have some cash to splash) but it has NOTHING to do with what you’re like to be with, or live with, over time.

Later I would open my backpack and find a rancid piece of cotton with an odd fibrous tail covered in blood. Mobsters love leaving souvenirs. Luckily for me, Chinese women did not use tampons for fear of breaking their hymen before marriage, so I’d never heard of nor seen one. I figured someone with an abnormally large nostril had a nosebleed and threw the thing away.

Even if they have big plans and dreams of their own, they make space for yours. They don’t belittle your ideas or pour ice water on your endeavours. They help you to go after what makes you feel happy or content.

I recall working with a man who was struggling in his relationship because he wanted his wife to be more like him: more outgoing, more inquisitive, more driven, more up for debating intellectual and political issues. No prizes for guessing that the pressure he put on her to be like this slowly destroyed their marriage. She was a lovely person, but in very different ways from him.

Later on in the relationship, a generous-spirited partner will keep prioritising you. They’ll save time, and their best energy for you — rather than give you what’s left over after work, their hobbies, hanging out with friends and scrolling their phone.

To my knowledge, no one from her family had ever come looking for her, and I never traced the lines of her ancestry. She was alone, too. We were so lonely together, her and I.

This one’s hard to spot when you first get together because obviously you spend a lot of time together. (Red flag if you’re not). At the outset, you’re both presenting your “best selves” — so you need to be sneaky in investigating this one. Look at the time they make for other people in their world: their close friends, their aging mother, someone they’re mentoring at work. Not just the amount of time, either, but what they do with it.

I lingered on the steps of the house for a long time, staring into the abyss. For some odd reason, the human limbic system takes 10 times as long to process shame as other emotions. Mickey sat facing me, one of her chubby paws on my knee, holding the world together. She saved me on the days I arrived home bruised and humiliated. She kept me optimistic with her natural wit and wisdom, as if to say, this is how.

No matter how much in love you are, your partner is — and should be — different from you. If you don’t enjoy (or at least accept) the differences between you, you’re in trouble.

Unequal splits in load-sharing is one of the most common relationship niggles (or big conflict points) between couples who’ve been together for a while. No-one can do everything, so be fair about your division of labour.

They’re not most commonly located on the couch with a box of popcorn and the remote control. Okay, sometimes they are but they’re also up for sharing the load — the chores, the responsibilities with the kids/pets, the life admin, the “emotional weight”; everything the two of you have built.

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Of course, relationships don’t run in one direction. And those that do are bound to fail. So, after you’ve considered your partner’s traits, there’s one question left to ask: are you generous too?

When you’re struggling they’re there for you. They’re listening. They’re being thoughtful. They’re defending you — or helping you to see the reality of a situation. You can count on them 100% to have your back.

This doesn’t mean neglect you in favour of other people or they give away all your stuff. It means they treat all people with respect, including people who can’t improve their social status or help them get a better job. They offer their time, energy and expertise freely when they can AND they’re innately good-humoured about it.